Fighting Fair | Dealing With Conflict As A Christian
Resources from this episode:
Matthew 18: 15
Show Notes:
If you’re like most people, conflict doesn’t make you super comfortable. Conflict is never easy, but in life–it’s inevitable!
The good news? There is a Godly way to deal with conflict! When we are saved, we no longer have to fall victim to the enemy’s schemes to try and get us to revert back to the ways we dealt with conflict in our BC days–before Christ. Whether in the flesh you default to lashing out in anger or avoiding conflict altogether, the Bible instructs Christians how to handle conflict God’s way.
When dealing with conflict, it’s difficult to get it right every time. Thankfully, the Bible doesn’t say we’re never going to be angry, rather it says we cannot allow our anger to drive us to sin.
Ask yourself: when it comes to conflict–be that with family, friends, at work, or in public–do you shove all of your emotions inside, becoming a doormat for others, or are you like a fire-cracker ready to explode? Sometimes we think that keeping everything in without addressing conflict makes us more righteous. On the other hand, we think speaking out and being unapologetic with how we converse with others makes us bold. The truth is that how we deal with conflict needs to be filtered through a Godly character–one that exudes patience, understanding, and grace.
Jesus knew we would deal with conflict. That’s why he talks about forgiveness! In Matthew 18:15 Jesus references that we are to handle conflict in private through good, Godly conversation. It’s not about avoiding conflict or never experiencing it. It’s about learning how to deal with conflict appropriately in a way that honors God and other people, too. We know that there’s no avoiding conflict–it’ll happen in our lives one way or another. Instead, learn how to confront conflict God’s way.
STRATEGY #1 for dealing with conflict God’s way- Verbalize your feelings, not the person’s faults
When we are in conflict with someone, there can be a temptation to bring forth anything he or she has ever done wrong or to highlight his or her character flaws. Keep the issue at hand the only issue you’re focusing on. Reflect on how each party perceived the issue and how each person felt as a result. This includes making it a point to not marginalize with “always” or “never” statements. Address the issue, not what you feel are the shortcomings of whoever you are conversing with.
STRATEGY #2 for dealing with conflict God’s way- Guard your tone and body language
Has anyone ever told you, “It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it”? Tone can escalate conflicts quickly if we are not careful. Next time you find yourself dealing with conflict, stop to reflect and ask yourself if the tone you have is representing your heart in a Godly and honoring way. That requires us to be calm, seek to understand, pause, and really listen. Your tone should be respectful and inviting. In addition to tone, body language is a true revealer of your maturity. Before any conversation that may include conflict, begin by praying and seeking the heart of God to bring resolve to the issue.
STRATEGY #3 for dealing with conflict God’s way- Allow the other person to respond
Conversations are not a one-way street. Productive conversations involve telling one another how you’re feeling and then asking how each person is receiving what has been discussed in order to bring clarity. Perception is our own reality and is just as important as what really happened. Avoid bull-dozing the conversation or telling someone how they should feel. Seek to understand and seek resolve.
STRATEGY #4 for dealing with conflict God’s way- Aim for honesty, not conquest
If someone has to win, then someone has to lose, and that isn’t what brings resolve. Resolve doesn’t always mean you will agree on everything; sometimes unity is agreeing to disagree. Honoring perspectives and understanding the way one another feels is key. Seek honesty and love more than winning or losing the conversation because otherwise, everyone loses. A prideful person always has to be right and a humble person can agree to disagree.
STRATEGY #5 of dealing with conflict God’s way- Don’t fix it until you feel it
Don’t just go through the motions–truly feel the heart of what the other person is saying and empathize with them. Care about bringing restoration for that’s where the love of God operates. Hurrying through or pretending like everything is okay isn’t the way to conflict resolution. Deal with conflict, head-on, God’s way!